I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
