I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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