my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
