you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
