It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
