don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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