I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
