May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
