tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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