I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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