Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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