I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
