I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
