if i died would you start the facebook group?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
