Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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