did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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