She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
