Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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