So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
