at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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