Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
