Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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