I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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