Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
