Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
