True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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