Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
