I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
