This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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