I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
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I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
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Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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