There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did I show you my penis last night?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."