in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT