the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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