Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
