We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
