6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
