I just pynch a tree in the face
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
