If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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