my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She bit a glass in half.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
