Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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