Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
