There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
