Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
