please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
