i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
