What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
