He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN