What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
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My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????