I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
