i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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