textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
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it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑