you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday