its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.