saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Houston, we have a squirter
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you