He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
