The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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